Career Testing
Career Testing
Career Testing
CAREER ADVANCEMENT / DEC. 14, 2015
version 8, draft 8

How to Get a Promotion (The Dirty Way)

Who doesn’t want more responsibility and, hopefully, a bigger paycheck at the end of the month? Well, one way to go about that is to get a different job altogether, but the problem is that your office chair already has a comfortable imprint of your body and the coffee in the break room is pretty okay – at least by gas station standards. So, what do you do?

Of course, you could always ask for a raise and a promotion, but you aren’t particularly talented, hard-working, or a go-getter (whatever that means). So, how do you get a promotion? Well, if you can’t get it on your personal merits, and since you have no moral compass, you might want to look into getting it the dirty way.

See Also: How to Make Your Boss Look Good and Get Promoted

1. Be a Snake in the Grass

Bosses love to be told the truth and you can use this to your truth. Say a coworker, let’s say Susie Candonowrong (I think she’s Austrian), forgets to turn in her monthly report, simply walk into your boss’ office and hand in your and Susie’s report. Not only will you be showing initiative, you will also be throwing Susie under the bus in a very incognito way.

Your boss will love you for stepping up to the plate when a coworker dropped the ball, and what boss doesn’t like a rat, a confidential informant – I mean – an honest employee?

2. Stay Under the Radar

Stay under the radar, but cultivate dissent. Advice taken out of a page of the most mutinous scoundrels in history’s book, try to spread dissidence amongst your coworkers. Tell them the company is slowing down, that people might be laid off, etc., but make sure you do this in a way that won’t expose yourself as the person that gave them the information; the reason will become clear soon.

Slowly, all your coworkers will start talking, complaining, and will eventually take a stand against management. When they do, you will stand with management supporting their policies (and confusion, *evil smile*) which will make you unpopular with the other employees but very popular with management. Who do you think management is going to prefer to promote: a dissident or a supporter?

3. Be Annoying

Be annoying, but not in the traditional sense; in a productive one. Ask how you can help, tell the bosses everything (and I mean everything that’s going on in the office), and make sure to endlessly suck up to them. Information is power and the more information you feed the bosses, the more indispensable you’ll become. Hopefully, you’ll become so indispensable that they will promote you to keep around.

4. Just Do Your Job

As a last-ditch effort when everything else has failed, and the dirtiest of them all: do your job. In the contemporary workplace, scientists have proven that only half of the day is productive. If you manage to work three-quarters of the day or even the entire day, think of what you could accomplish and how good an impression you could make on your boss… It’s a dirty job, but someone’s got to do it.

See Also: Keeping Up with the Joneses: How to Throw Someone Under the Bus

Can you know think of any other dirty ways to score that promotion? Let me know in the comments section below!

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