Career Testing
Career Testing
Career Testing
JOB SEARCH / JUN. 03, 2015
version 4, draft 4

The Worst Places to Work (If You're Afraid of Ghosts)

Do you get an ominous feeling in the pit of your stomach the moment that you step foot in your place of employment? Do you feel that you’re constantly watched when you’re at work? Well, that’s because it’s Monday and your boss is a micromanager. But it could be much, much worse. What if, on top of the fussy customers, backstabbing co-workers and finicky boss, you had to deal with an otherworldly presence? Here are some of the worse places to work if you are afraid of ghosts.

See Also: 10 Most Famous Graves to Visit Before You Die

Ghostbusters HQ

Why would you even apply to become a Ghostbuster if you’re afraid of ghosts? Their freakin’ theme song says “I ain’t afraid of no ghost” and, ignoring the horrible grammar, it mentions one of the main requirements of being a G.B. which is ain’t being afraid of no ghost [shudders]. Sorry, the repeated horrible grammar gave me chills. Sure you get to cruise around town in a repurposed hearse, which is ironically appropriate, and you get to wear a miniature fusion reactor on your back and hangout with some pretty funny and cool cats, but is it really worth it if every day you work you run the danger of having a fear-induced heart attack? On the upside, the Ghostbuster’s insurance is probably the only type that pays out for something like that.

The Warren’s Occult Museum

The Warrens were a pair of self-proclaimed ‘demonologists’ that would dart around the United States investigating paranormal occurrences. Their work has even inspired its fair share of movies and TV series including The Amityville Horror, The Haunted, The Conjuring, A Haunting, and most recently Annabelle to mention a few. During the extradition of possessed items and knick-knacks, they accumulated enough to create a museum. The terrifying permanent collection at the museum includes a possessed doll that has been said to attempt to strangle a man and cause another to fatally crash his motorcycle after mocking it; a child’s tombstone that was used as a satanic alter; and an assortment of voodoo and cursed objects. They even have a mummy! I understand that the job market is rough, but do you really think a night guard’s job at this specific museum is a good idea? Especially when Ed Warren said objects’ activity is so pronounced that they can hear it two stories up in their bedroom. Just sayin’.

Waverly Hills Sanatorium

If you don’t know what a sanatorium is, allow me to skew your worldview with this horrible nugget of truth. Sanatoriums were live-in hospitals, primarily for tuberculosis patients during a period of time when the disease was deadly. Which isn’t that bad, right? Right, but because the disease was incurable, patients were subject to constant medical experimentation. “So what?” you say coyly. Remember this is the era of uber creepy black and white photos, and lobotomies as treatment for everything from epilepsy to depression. You still not getting it, huh? OK, so some of these “medical” procedures involved implanting balloons into the patients’ lungs; last time I checked, the body isn’t a fan of stuff being put in it and usually reacts like a tantrum-throwing three-year-old, and completely shuts down from infection and shock. You thought that’s all? As a last resort, they would even remove ribs and muscles from the chest to allow the lungs to expand more. These innovative (see: murderous) treatments and lack of an antibiotic cure resulted in an estimated 63,000 people taking their last breath in Waverly Hills. The facility also touts a tunnel which was used to discretely remove the patients that had succumbed to the disease. Today, you can take a guided tour of the Sanatorium, so if you’re jovial and good with people and the spirits of the dead, then your job prospects just increased a bit. The only downside is that you might have to wear an adult diaper to work. Oh, and the fact that your workplace will be a terrifying old timey TB hospital.

Beechworth Asylum/ La Trobe University Campus

Yet another terrifying turn-of-the-century “medical” facility that more than deserves those quotation marks due to it being more of a house of horror than anything that even resembles a place of recovery and rehabilitation. As was the standard during the Victorian era, the favored tools of mental health professionals were electroshock therapy and soul-crushing restraints. This isn’t contemporary shock therapy either; the procedure would be so intense that bones and teeth would break (from muscles contracting beyond their limit). Even ligaments would be torn from the constrictions. In 1995, after a torturous 128 years of operation, its doors were closed, and it has since been used by the La Trobe University as a hotel and conference center. If you are an out-of-work cleric, you can even marry people in the on-location chapel. That was formally the facility’s mortuary that ushered 3,000 patients that died onsite to the afterlife. Yaeeee! Doesn’t every girl dream of a wedding at the mouth of the portal to hell?

The Tower of London

The phrase “Jolly Ole England” must’ve been invented by a hipster. Why you ask? Because Jolly Ole England was a pretty bleak murder-y place in the past. On the other hand, any city, town or village was pretty murder-y during bygone eras. Have you noticed that nobody is nostalgic for the Victorian Era? There’s a reason for that: the possibility of death or maiming of your person was as likely as forgetting where you put your keys. Of all the death, maim and murdering that took place in Jolly Ole England, there was no location more likely to cost you your head than the Tower of London.  Henry VIII’s motto “Love ‘em then behead them” resulted in two of his wives losing their heads atop the Tower. Well, I’m not sure if it was at the top of the Tower, but it was definitely in general vicinity. How do I know? Well, it’s purported that Anne Boleyn’s (the most famous of Henry’s brides) headless body walks the premises. It was also used as a prison and a place of torture. One of the most discerning presences witnessed was of two small boys holding hands with terrified looks on their faces – who are assumed to be the two small skeletons that were found at the base of a stairwell in the Tower. It’s a tourist attraction, so security guards and tour guides are always in demand. Before you start filling out your application, remember: terrified little boy ghosts.

See Also: Ugly Professions – What Does It Take To Be An Executioner

So, those are some job options if you chose to forego your fears of restless spirits, which will most likely result in your resignation, soiling yourself while running screaming out of the workplace. Of course that’s how most people quit their jobs at haunted places, so why would you want to go against the grain?

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