Career Testing
Career Testing
Career Testing
WORKPLACE / NOV. 24, 2014
version 5, draft 5

Top 10 Worst Excuses for Not Showing Up to Work

Work can be monotonous, unrewarding and a pain in the behind. There are many ways to deal with it, one of the most popular being not going in at all. Here are my selection of real life lame excuses used by employees for not showing up to work.

1. "I accidentally got on a plane"

At the top of our list is the most brain-numbing, intelligence lowering excuse of all time. How would someone inadvertently buy a ticket, go through security, board and fly to any destination. This holds as much validity as saying: “I accidentally ate.” Even if this person was given the biggest benefit of a doubt ever given by mortal man, how the heck did this happen? Did they fall asleep on the baggage claim conveyor belt and were packed under the plane with the luggage? Did they walk out onto the runway and got caught on the bottom of the plane? This mystery unfortunately will never be solved because I don’t know this person to ask.

2. "My mom/ grandma died"

Wait! Before you lynch me like the monster of Dr. Frankenstein you should know that this person is a much bigger monster than me. Not only did he kill off his mother twice, he also did in his grandma twice. Somebody isn’t getting a check from Nana for twenty dollars this Christmas.

3. "I just put a casserole in the oven"

If this was the 1950s that might have been a substantial excuse. Actually, it wouldn’t have been a good excuse even then as ovens had timers back then also. Look, I can appreciate wanting some warm food to come home to but if you can’t pay your gas bill it’s not going to be that hot.

4. "I got up in a good mood and didn’t want to ruin it."

You got to respect this person for their honesty. What you don’t have to respect is their lack of impulse control as any normal adult would have gone to work. Seriously, what are you, 5?

5. Forgot he was hired for the job...

Even the coolest most nonchalant person in the world gets first day jitters. I guess this person is even cooler, as his excuse was he completely forgot he was hired.

6. Sore finger...

Unless this person was a professional trigger tester I think that this excuse is pretty unfounded. If it was debilitating pain they would have said, I have an intense pain in my finger. Nope just sore. Maybe they were a professional pointer; after all, that would be difficult to do with a sore finger.

7. "I’m still drunk for last night"

Sure we’ve all binged a little bit harder than we should of from time to time. Generally, though, we splash some cold water on our face, grab a cup of coffee so strong it could peel paint off the wall and head to work. We get a hangover in the middle of the day, nurse it with some ibuprofen and more coffee, and go home.

8. Burning house, burned this guy...

This genius thought it be a good idea to tell his boss his house burnt down last night. When his fellow employees all chipped in to help him out and get him back on his feet he confessed to his little fib. The fact that he got burned by his lie about a burning house is so ironic it would make a hipster poop rainbow cupcakes of joy.

9. "I’m stuck in a blood pressure machine"

For my non-US readers let me explain. Americans are very Rubenesque (fat) because they enjoy their food a little too much. Usually, when you are of ample girth (fat) your blood pressure is high. Most supermarkets have a blood pressure machine to help the customers measure their (usually too high blood pressure). It looks like a little bench that has a place where you put your arm through a ring. Inside the ring there is a blood pressure monitor. It inflates measures your blood pressure and then deflates. If it doesn’t, there are more than enough fail safes. It seems that the person calling in didn’t know that.

10. "I can’t come in because I can’t find my clothes"

Then call your mom, your boss won’t be able to help you.

I can say with absolute certainty that every single person reading this article has missed at least one day of work. What excuse at work has and hadn’t worked for you? Let us know in the comment section below and we will thank you when we’re at home drinking beer and watching football. I mean when we’re home recovering *cough*.

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