Before you lynch me for being a proponent of eugenics, hear me out: this is purely an exercise in humor and should not be misconstrued as a less eloquent version of Friedrich Nietzsche’s On The Genealogy of Morals and Ecce Homo. At the same time, know that under the premise of creating a healthier human gene pool, many politicians, scientists and kooks have gotten behind selective human breeding, resulting in grave injustices and atrocities being committed against specific races or members of society that were deemed inadequate to have offspring. I’m not trying to compromise these events.
More and more studies indicate towards the fact that many personality traits are hereditary. Taking that into consideration, these Red Bull and vodka-guzzling, under-evolved gym rats that are too loud, too alpha and way too aggressive should not be allowed to make genetic duplicates of themselves. Especially if their drunken partner in sexual congress is a female/male version of the same thing.
Two douches will inevitably create a mini-douche when given the opportunity to generate offspring. Even if you are in the “nature” camp of human development and believe that environment heavily influences the development of someone’s personality, then ponder this for a second: the child of two douches will be exposed to more shirtless males and techno music in its first year of life than an American exchange student in Berlin. Add to that a baby-safe fake tan and a bottle’s worth of Dom through environmental osmosis, and you have the ground work for an uber douche. Because if it’s a douche when it’s born, can you image what kind of douche it’s going to become when it grows up?
At least they shouldn’t procreate with each other. Most of the professionals I mentioned above are hell-bent on making more money and acquiring more status/power, ideals that they will inevitably imbue their children with. If you think those standards are going to include a moral code then you are grossly mistaken. The resulting offspring will be the most ruthless, unscrupulous person ever birthed onto this Earth and quite possibly become the Antichrist bringing the end of days, death, destruction, and pestilence. If by some fluke of science the Armani-wearing Hell-spawn is created with the DNA from all three (Banker/Lawyer/Politician), the resulting monstrosity will almost absolutely guarantee the end of the human race. I hope I’ve made my point.
Because they physically can’t.
4. Adults That Cannot Name all Parts of the Reproductive System
If you have managed to slide through the educational system without a working knowledge of your own body, more power to you, but not knowing what your down-there equipment does, and what risks come from using said equipment but using it anyway, is frivolously dangerous. Not knowing where things go, what they do after they go where they need to go, and what the results of aforementioned going can have on your lifestyle, then you are playing a hazardous game of “Who’s your daddy” and “Russian STD Roulette”. Although you might think those games sound fun, trust me: the rewards suck.
5. Badly Written Fictional Characters
As Fifty Shades of Grey has taught us, there is nothing sexy about badly written fiction. There is no need to dedicate this type of writing to any media that will proliferate it, let alone have the characters proliferate themselves and set up any sort of circumstances that will allow the continuation of this literary abortion. Oh! You think that Fifty Shades of Grey is a contemporary classic? Maybe you shouldn’t have kids either.
6. The Book Coefficient
The world population’s I.Q. has been dropping since the Victorian Era. It’s because smart people bone less. Well, actually, they bone more, but procreate less. Stupid people, on the other hand, bone less and have more offspring. This is known as the phenomenon of dysgenic mating. I know what you’re going to say: “I.Q. tests aren’t always the best measure of intellect” and you’d be right: reaction time is actually a better indication of I.Q. (which, if you’d like to test yourself, go here). Furthermore, reaction times do not have cultural, geographical or socioeconomic biases. Scientists have noticed a marked difference between previous generations and faster reaction times. So, to quell stupid, I have developed a system: households with 10 books (they have read. You think that I’d be that stupid?) can have one child, 20 books two kids, and so on and so forth. I mean, there are only so many McDonald’s restaurants in the world that can accommodate the listless masses. Maybe we can come up with special underwear that can only be removed if you can tell it three major painters, one significant world event, and one world capital and what it’s famous for.
7. The WW Coefficient
On the tail of the above entry, I kind of feel obligated to mention this one, too. If anyone – regardless of age, generation or social standing – cannot list two of the most costly in human life conflicts in modern history, he/she can go f*ck themselves and nobody should assist them with said f*cking. Honestly, how can you avoid the mistakes of the past if you do know them? So we don’t want anyone that could potentially repeat said mistakes, or having children that could repeat said mistakes.
Technically, at this point in human history, we should all stop breeding. Why, you ask angrily? Because the world is already overpopulated and we are eating ourselves out of house and home. At the time of writing this article, 7.3 billion people live on our little Blue Marble. This population slightly north of 7 billion also created 17 billion tons of CO2 emission this year and cut down 2.4 million hectares of forest. The world’s ecosystem is teetering on implosion and if we do not change the way we produce food and water, Earth will no longer be a life-sustainable planet by the year 2050.
Would you like to add anything else? Please let me know in the comments section below.