We all love our Disney characters. Some might argue that it’s because we are manipulated into feeling sympathy for them (as most Disney characters usually start the story with at least one dead parent), but that’s beside the point. We love us some Disney. The thing is that most Disney films aren’t very realistic and the worlds our favorite heroes live in are full of sunshine, glee, impromptu musical numbers and talking animals. While I was watching a classic animated movie from the ‘once you wish upon a star’ folks, I started daydreaming and wondered what it would be like to work for one of my favorite characters. Please strap in, secure your personal belongings, and keep your hands inside the car, as this is going to be a bumpy ride into the absurd.
This lovable mouse was humble animator Walt Disney’s cash cow, or maybe I should say cash rodent. Mickey is emblazoned on anything that has to do with the company, including selling the disembodied round ears of the character for children to wear on their head around Disneyland while vibrating from the dozen mouse-shaped sweets they’ve ingested. Mickey has had a fruitful and diverse career from being a slum-lord’s underpaid assistant (Scrooge’s assistant), a pilot (in the late 1920s Plane Crazy), and a steamboat captain (in the famous Steamboat Willie). With such a diverse professional portfolio, you can expect Mickey to be quite demanding of his employees; on top of that, he’s characterized as enjoying adventure to work (which Minnie does exactly love), and is stubborn. Just think of that high falsetto constantly chewing you out for late reports, spending too much time at the water-cooler or sending a botched email right after he’s returned from a long vacation in Bali. Finally, you know that he’s a certifiable douche because of how often he goes topless but still wears his gloves.
During the sequel to the first movie, Pocahontas is such a well-respected figure amongst her people, the Powhatan, that she is made an ambassador to England. Now, that version of the story is a little fictional – hate to burst your bubble. What actually happened was that after her tribe was all but decimated (by disease and hostilities with colonialists) and what was left of the tribe was enslaved by the colonialists, she was kidnapped and held for ransom. During that time, she became Christian and assimilated further by marrying a tobacco producer, and chose not to return to her tribe. She was taken back to England and paraded around to peak interest in investing in the new Virginia colony. So, if you were to work for her, you would basically be an assistant to a celebrity socialite – Disney’s equivalent to Paris Hilton. I wonder if Pocahontas carried a tiny dog…You could expect to constantly run errands, send messages to the British elite, and help Pocahontas get into her corset. Oh, and also feed her tiny dog, if she had one… wait… she had a pet raccoon though, right?
There are few jobs as taxing, arduous and demanding in labor hours as a restaurant job. If you choose to be employed by Tiana, the main character of the movie The Princess and the Frog, then that’s exactly what you’re getting yourself into. Although getting a job with Tiana is going to be easier than the other princesses (you know they’re going to be selective; they’re princesses for Pete’s sake), it doesn’t mean it’s going to be easy work. Not only is Tiana a go-getter, but the restaurant she owns is a labor of love, passion, and a tribute to her dead father. If anyone has a reason to be demanding, it’s this Princess. So, expect long hours but good food and music played by an anthropomorphic alligator without the need of narcotics.
Hiro is a robotics savant living in the city of San Frantokyo, and he’s also 14 years old. Do you remember how wired you were when you were 14? Good, keep that in your pocket for a second, I’ll circle back to it. He’s also an orphan raised by his aunt and, just to rub it in, he loses the only other father figure in his life early in the movie. I won’t reveal which father figure – it’s a great movie and I won’t ruin it for you. Anyhow, even though Hiro seems like a confident kid, he’s sometimes socially awkward and has some slight communication issues. Compounded with the fact that he likes to zoom off without a moment’s notice, he’s about as focused as a 14-year-old can be (which is almost not at all), and you have a work environment that is chaotic, unstructured, and generally unorganized. Have fun trying to get to your meeting on time when you’ve lost the CEO.
Yeah, yeah, let it go…
Elsa is the Queen of Arendelle, a fictional Northern European kingdom which is constantly covered in snow. That’s warning sign number one. If you worked for the Fair Queen (both in complexion and temperament), then you would have to endure months upon months of endless shoveling of the royal driveway and ceaselessly salting the castle’s steps and walkways. Not super pleasant. Also, because Elsa is a Fair Queen, you can expect a ton of footwork to help every ingle whiny subject that comes to the Ice Queen for help. You’ll basically be a customer satisfaction agent. “Welcome to Queen Elsa’s, how can I direct your call? Can’t keep your salmon frozen? Please hold.” Beyond that, you can expect to be inundated with complaints regarding mystical creatures ravaging the countryside, snow monsters destroying various items of value, and the occasional drunk rock troll exposing itself in the square. Don’t expect glamour, even though you are working for a queen.
I’m sorry, I had to explore the possibilities of working for a villain and, honestly, Disney villains seem much closer to real bosses I’ve had. Jafar is a bonafide psychopath with a compromised moral code and boundless ambitions to amass absolute power. Hmm, sounds even more like a lot of bosses I’ve worked for in the past. Anyway, it is also said that he’s an amateur magician (as if he wasn’t evil enough) and a kiss-up. So, you know he’s going to expect the same from you when you work for him. As if all those elements don’t make him annoying enough, his parrot sounds like Gilbert Gottfried.
See Also: What It’s Like to Work for Nintendo
Are there any other fictional characters that you wouldn’t want to work for? Let me know in the comments section below.