Career Testing
Career Testing
Career Testing
CELEBRITIES / MAY. 23, 2015
version 7, draft 7

6 Crazy Facts About Being a Celebrity

Celebrities: they dazzle us with their flourishes of gesture and language, they narrate us through the most fascinating of situations. They are so likable that when we watch a show featuring them, it’s almost as if they’re sitting right there on the couch next to us. But is being a showman all glitter and glam? Or is there a darker, more sinister (and ultimately interesting) side to being a showman? What psychological effects does it have on the person that’s supposed to have on a perpetual smile?

1. Your Dogs Will Never Be Safe

Yep, you read that right, and if you want to confirm it, look no further than Tim Burton’s real amore (sorry, Helena Bonham Carter): Johnny Depp. He flew via private jet to Australia with his two Yorkshire terriers in tow. Which resulted in, get this, Australia’s Agriculture Minister threatening to put down Pistol and Boo (those are the doggies’ names) if he didn’t make sure to get them out of the country. Depp claims that the only reason his dogs are being threatened is because they are of a privileged upbringing. OK… and the rest of the country is gripped with escalation of what is becoming known as….Terrier-gate. COME ON!!! REALLY?!!!

2. Your Junk Will Never Be Safe

No matter where you keep your racy photos, how tightly you cross your legs or how long you wear you kilt, the media will manage to get a glory shot of your frank ‘n beans. Myriads of celebrities from the A to the Z list have been subjected to their ding-a-lings and hoo-has becoming eye candy for the slack-jawed masses. How do you protect yourself? Well, don’t become a celebrity, first off. It’s not that people won’t want to see your naughty bits, they will; it’ll just be on a much, much smaller scale.

3. Your Public Persona Is Nothing Like Your Private One

If you allow even the smallest crack in your composure to reveal itself to the listless mass, well, your ass is grass. We’ve seen this happen to the likes of Britney Spears, Marlon Brando, Mel Gibson, Lindsay Lohan, Charlie Sheen, and many more will inevitably follow. Humans are flawed, but because celebrities are so venerated, it comes at a shock to their fans when they completely lose their sh*t. Luckily, it’s not a place celebs can’t come back from as proven by the likes of Robert Downey Jr., Joaquin Phoenix and Mickey Rourke. So you can completely snap, shave your head and get married in Vegas, and still bounce back. Thank you, Hollywood and the Shakespearean cycles of your celebrities.

4. Your Income Will Never Be Safe

If you ask any ex-freelancer what his experience is of having no stable paycheck and no job security, they’ll tell you it’s a combination of suck-iness and unstable suck-iness. It sounds appealing not having a schedule, making your own hours and not having a boss, but all of that is just part of the freelancers’ propaganda machine. Don’t buy into it, man. Being a showman/woman in whatever context, no matter how famous, is still freelancing in its essence; you get a job and then pray to the powers that be that you score another job before you burn through the previous job’s salary. Also, freelancers are pretty disposable: you f*ck up royally enough and, boom, you’re out on your ass with the next talent taking your place. And if you think you’re going to be boss-free, think again. The people that have a word in you’re the product of your labor will enumerate into the hundreds. Great little setup, isn’t it?

5. Your Person Will Never Be Safe

Death threats, death threats everywhere! As a public figure, everything you do, say or even insinuate can bite you in the butt. The best examples (that are horrible, but how else would I express that?) is Kim Kardashian getting death threats for her support of Israel or when Matt Stone and Trey Parker wrote a South Park episode that featured Prophet Muhammad dressed as a bear. Those are just a couple of examples, but just being who you are can make you the recipient of death threats. Selena Gomez was threatened just for having a relationship with Justin Bieber, and Taylor Swift for ending a relationship with Harry Styles. You can literally do nothing while in the limelight and still receive death threats, just like the one Halle Berry received that concerned her to the point that she was considering moving to France.

6. Your Face Will Never Be Safe

That’s what you have to do when you’re a showman: smile when you’re told to. For anyone over 15 years old, the chap in the video above is One Direction singer Liam Payne. He goes from mugging with a smile for fan selfies to an expression that’s reminiscent of someone leaving a distant relative’s funeral. In the duration of six seconds, we see him do it three times; can you imagine how many times he had to do it that day? Let me ask you: when you take a red-eye flight to the other side of the world, what’s the first thing you want to see? Your bed – fair enough. What’s the last thing you want to see? A seething viscous mass of writhing screaming fans? No matter how little sleep, how overworked or fatigued celebrities are, they can expect troves of adoring fans to lynch them the moment they are in public. Doesn’t sound very fun, huh? How about if, on top of the screaming, disregard to personal space, they also injured you? Remember Liam from the beginning of this paragraph? Well, he is the unfortunate victim of this incident, too. As he was leaving the airport with his group, the parking lot was overtaken with adoring (and rabid) fans. This resulted in Liam getting grabbed so intensely that the encounter left him with a bright red mark on the inside of his elbow.

See Also: 10 Celebrities with a Criminal Record

Do you know any other unfortunate facts about being a celebrity? Let us know in the comments section below.

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