JOB SEARCH / SEP. 17, 2015
version 6, draft 6

The Best Places to Work (if you like to party)

WOOHOO!!! Here take this Jager-bomb and walk with me, bro! The party’s over and you’re about to graduate from college, but you still haven’t got the hard-partying bug out of your system, so what do you do bro-kenstein? See that joke was a twofer. It alludes to Frankenstein since you’re a monster party animal, and it also sounds like “broke” which you are since you just got out of college with a massive amount of debt and a major in the History of Christmas Ornamentation. Maybe that’s why you drink so heavily. I’m not trying to be a downer though so here are some of the best places to work if you like to party like it’s 1999.

See Also: Best Places to Live if You’re an Incurable Bachelor

The Drunkest Nation in the World: Belarus

Booze and hard partying are inseparable because you don’t often see sober people getting naked just because “it’s totally epic”. So why beat around the bush, just move to the drunkest nation, nay the riskiest drinkers in the world, according the World Health Organization, Belarus. The capital Minsk boasts the largest economy in the country with 46% of the financial activity taking place in this haven of hedonism. Blah, blah, blah right? Well, let me also tell you that a third of the nation’s alcohol supply is made in Minsk, so it isn’t going to see a dry spell anytime soon. Here’s another great little thing about Minsk, most cafes and bars transition into full-blown clubs at some point during the night. This means you could be sitting drinking your tea and then all of the sudden, boom hot people are dancing all around you as a disco ball descends from the ceiling. On the other hand, inflation is rampant (1 U.S.D. buys you 17.750 Belarusian Rubles), and some claim that Belarus is run like a police state…but you didn’t hear that from me.

Goa: India

So you want something a bit more exotic, some sun, sea, dance music and beach parties…Well, Goa is the place for you. Although it is the smallest state in India, it is also currently the richest. It also boasts the best quality of life in India, so you have that, which is nice. Finally, if you’re a fan of the heat, chilling in bikinis or board shorts, the temperatures in Goa are toasty…If you think that is all it has to offer though you’d be grossly mistaken bro. Goa also has rich mineral deposits and has decent agricultural production too. You’d totally be able to rock the rice patty as a source of income. It’s even got its own little Hollywood tucked away in its tropical bosom (which probably smells like coconut and brine) called Konkani Cinema. The films are made in the Konkani language that is primarily used in Goa and its neighboring states of Maharashtra and Karnataka. So who knows maybe you can swing it as a Konkani movie star too.

Dublin: Ireland

Come on I shouldn’t even have to put this on the list. If there is one nation in the world famous for its fun-loving, hard drinking, partying ways it’s the Irish. I mean it was founded as a Viking settlement, and they practically invented partying (sorry Greeks it’s not a party unless it involves pillaging and burning monasteries). It’s also home to tons of institutions of higher learning if you get an itch for a bit of co-ed loving…

Most importantly perhaps it’s the home of the god-worthy brew Guinness, and you’ve got a myriad of venues to get your Guinnie on. From the Touristy (and world famous) Temple bar to genuinely traditional Irish Pubs, you definitely won’t find Guinness battered onion rings in, maybe bangers and mash. I assume they are just called pubs in Ireland, so don’t go walking around looking for and “Irish pub” like a dumbass.

Black Rock City, Nevada: U.S.

campawesomeness

If you’re more into free range organic liquor then you might want to check out Black Rock City. No, it’s not like the also famous Rock City which is Detroit, but it’s the proud homestead of the Burning Man festival. If you don’t know what that is, turn off you Google Safe Search and Google it. Yep, as you can see Burning Man is an experimental art festival that involves music, crazy vehicles, free love and scantily clad…well, everyone. Not only will you be able to partake in intoxicants of the liquid kind, but use of all types of uppers, downers, screamers and laughers (that’s a little green visor tip to the people that got it) is allowed (if not actively encouraged).

Burning man is also dedicated to environmental issues and sustainable living. Sadly, the city is essentially temporary, so job prospects in the middle of the desert flatlands are narrow to say the least. You could always apply for a job at the company that organizes Burning Man (yes, ironically the desert hippie gathering Burning Man is run by a group of corporate monkeys). This same company actually make millions organizing the event and works year round to make sure the dusty love-in goes on without a hitch for the 70.000 festival goers. But hey, it’s not easy to keep 70.000 half naked hippies driving vehicles that spew fire and run on bong water safe and happy.

Ibiza: Spain

Islands are great, seafood is always fresh, the entire place is outlined by beaches, and you can’t get lost. Why can’t you get lost you ask? Well, any direction you go in you’re bound to find a beach. Ibiza though is a special, interesting little island. It’s not special and interesting because it’s in the Mediterranean, or because it’s off the southern coast of Spain, it’s because it is basically the modern day answer to Sodom and Gomorrah.

If you’re unfamiliar let me elaborate, if Sodom sounds familiar it’s because it’s the root of sodomy that refers to any sexual act that is an affront to nature, I’ll let you use your imagination. Also according to biblical writings the Sodomites and Gomorrahians partied so damn hard that they offended God…how much did they offend Him? Enough for Him to burn it out of existence with fire and brimstone. Well, Ibiza is just a bit more insane than burned to oblivion S & G, so you know it’s gonna be a good time.

Amsterdam: Holland

Legal prostitution, legal marijuana and the Heineken factory…I rest my case.

See Also: Could You Work as a Naked Dinner Platter?

Are there any other places you think would be great to working in for someone that has a raging party-boner? Let me know in the comment section below!

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