WORKPLACE / JUL. 29, 2015
version 8, draft 8

10 Struggles at Work Only Very Competitive People Will Understand

You have an unhealthy obsession with winning. You are a competitive annoyingly alpha type of person, but people really don’t realize how hard it is to be this awesome, win all the time and be a sore loser. Well, here I am to represent you because these are 10 struggles at work only very competitive people will understand.

See Also: 5 Struggles Only Single People Will Understand

1 No Freaking Respect

You are amazingly awesome, but nobody, absolutely no one acknowledges that. Of course, you’re not really making that many friends by trying to scoop up every single promotion, every single project leading opportunity, every last rainbow sprinkled donut in the kitchen. If you’re this awesome, you deserve that last donut, and if Nancy in accounting ran fast enough you would have tackled her in the hallway…and she knows that.   

2 Pfffft Entitlement.

You deserve things, not because of your talents or hard work, but because you fight dirty for everything you need. See the thing about winning is that it doesn’t matter how you win just as long as you come out on top. People seem to be highly judgmental when you play dirty, but nobody’s stopping them from doing the same. They hide their looser mentality behind stupid things like morals and ethics. That’s why they don’t understand and ultimately why they don’t win.

3 Why so not serious

Sure they say that the tug-o-war at the company picnic is just for fun, but it’s a competition, a show of brute force and strategic cunning. Your boss is there, and you have to show him that you are not only capable but have the killer instinct to take out the weakest link in the corporate chain. So what if you dragged Stacy from accounts through the grass and made her cry, it’s not like they are going to start calling you a douchebag…they already call you that anyway.

4 Why so not serious 2

 

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You want everyone on your team to be a battle-hardened corporate shill because a general is only as strong as his army. OK, so you’re not exactly a general yet. But with your plan in place to undermine every single experienced and capable person, you will soon be whipping those peons into shape, securing the success of both yourself and your team.

5 Self-Promoting

Back in the day when winners proudly displayed medals of their conquest on their puffed out chest, there was no need for them to verbalize their accomplishments. Times have changed though and in lieu of jangly chest adornments you need to tell everyone around you the extensive list of accomplishments you have acquired. Winning is a mind game, and if your competitor perceives you as a mega-monster of victory, they will surely crumble under the tonnage of self-doubt. Boom, you have been loser-fied (patent pending).

6 Battle Cry

From ancient times warriors have realized the power of the blood-curdling battle cry. From the ancient Greek “ALALA” to Native Americans’ tribe specific battle cries and the U.S. Marines “OOH RAH” a sharp loud vocalization is intimidating, boost confidence and shows dominance. Although it might not be completely office appropriate as a winner you must define the rule, let the losers follow protocol and societal mandates. So scream your battle cry next time you go into a meeting, or have to turn in a report. No one will understand and you might be committed, but being a winner means taking risks.

7 Raging

Although I’m sure you’ll be reprimanded by upper management, showing you discontent when missing out on a project, account or promotion will project the fact that you do not accept loss. Having everyone in the office know that passing you over for promotion will cost the company hundreds if not thousands of dollars in material damages will make them think twice before giving the promotion to that MIT educated twit Wayne instead of you. Hey, sometimes you just have to break all the eggs to make the biggest omelet in the world.

8 Jealousy

Even though it may seem like they are mocking you for overestimating your abilities, talents and intelligence, they are just as envious of your perpetual position at the top. Yes, because that’s what losers do, they can’t achieve God-like greatness so they mock those that can.

Try flexing a little bit more, while yelling your battle-cry. Maybe take a fake sword to work to remind everyone your Viking winnability. Remember, a fake sword though because police are jealous of winners too, and the way they deal with them is by Tazing and incarcerating them. Also, a real sword would definitely be a totem to your winning nature that cops would immediately respond to.

9 Going after the Alpha

As all of us winners know we always have to be on top. We have to stand on that middle pedestal with an emblazoned 1 on it. Well, who’s the top dog? Yep, you guessed it, your boss. You must sit at the peak of the company and how would you do that? Sure you could convince them that an early retirement and investing in their family might be healthy, but that’s what a loser would do! You will walk into your CEO’s office push those doors open, and tell him/her you are now the CEO!

10 Unemployed Winner

Even if you are completely destitute and still healing from the injuries you got when they threw you out of the building, you know that you are still winning. Although you will have to elbow and beat your way to the top, you will be the best vagrant in the world. After all, winning is a mind game. But sadly you my friend are only winning in your mind.

See Also: 5 Things That Go Through Your Head When You’re Called Into the Manager’s’ Office

Are you a douchey competitive person? Let me know in the comment section below.

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