WORK-LIFE BALANCE / AUG. 23, 2015
version 3, draft 3

Rich? Famous? Bored? Why Not Become a Politician?

So you have reached the highest peaks of celebrity stardom, raked in the monetary equivalent of most small country’s GDP, married 4 times, tried your hand at drama and made one horrible art-house film. Now what do you do? Sit at home in the Hollywood hills until your next plastic surgery appointment? Hell no, you want to discredit the nay-sayers that said you’d never amount to anything, but what can you do? Well, let’s take a page from the book of the Trumpster, Arnie the Sexual Harassment Governator and Jesse the Body Ventura (that’s his actual nickname, I didn’t have to get creative with it) and even Rootin Tootin Ronald Regan.

See Also: Hollywood’s Working Class: The Worst Jobs in Hollywood

After the Reality (show)

Going from a Reality Show to actual reality can be rough; on set you have an army of people to bring you coffee, donuts and sex workers. At home, your wife won’t even make an appointment for you with a call girl. Fans wait for you outside the filming location, venerating you and begging for a momentary touch. At home, your wife doesn’t even talk to you (but it’s probably because of that whole refusal to book you a prostitute).

Well, the call girl thing is a pretty big drag, so what do you do? You try your hand at politics. If it’s one thing politicians have it’s a legion of butt-kissers and brown-nosers doing everything they ask for, that includes setting up a meeting at the local Holiday Inn with Crystal HoneySuckle. I mean Toronto’s mayor Tom Ford smokes crack, and you know he sent a poor intern into the bad part of town to get it.

You can be an unabashed Megalomaniac

One thing that comes with politics is power. Who says that you can’t build a 24 story statue of yourself in the middle of town. The tax-payer might bitch and whine, but ultimately you and only you have the last word in city expenditures. You can hum around town in a bulletproof gas-guzzling SUV because let’s be honest after the 24 story statue you’re bound to get a death threat or two. I mean Gaddafi had a personal guard comprised of the most beautiful women in Libya, just because he wanted to.  Indulge yourself shamelessly and you’ll be rewarded in infamy because who remembers a good ethical politician? Almost no one. But everyone still talks about Nixon, Clinton, and, of course, the crack smoking king of bad politicians Tom Ford. Embrace the crazy!

The murderous dictator Idi Amin gave himself the impressive title, His Excellency, President for Life, Field Marshal Al Hadji Doctor Idi Amin Dada, VC, DSO, MC, Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Seas and Conqueror of the British Empire in Africa in General and Uganda in Particular, so feel free to name yourself anything you want. I propose Mother of all children, Husband to all wives and mothers, grande reproducer and procreator, Three Star General love maker and Chief Pleasure Bestower of the Milky Way and all alien species it encompasses. Go ahead use it, I’m not crazy enough to be put in jail for claiming a title you want.

Make Money, Get Votes

See the thing is you’ve got to spend money to make money and make your money work for you. Instead of wasting your funds and energy on voters go to the source: the people that will count the votes. Buy them a couple of cars, take them on a cruise or two and make sure you have evidence of them accepting money from you, so you can later use that to blackmail and extort them. You don’t have the knowledge, education or intelligence to be an upstanding, ethical politician, so you are going to have to play a little dirty.

Celebrity’s not enough; you need Scandal

Celebrity is based on talent, skill and the reverence people have of the thespian craft. AHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA….[wiping tears from eyes] I’m sorry I really tried to hold it together. Celebrity is about hard bodies or excesses of all types and scandals. How can you expect to woo the masses if your life doesn’t read like a yellow rag tabloid? Look at Arnie for example: He was the incomprehensible muscled face of action movies in the late 80s early 90s and people approached him like you would a plain bagel, it’s there and if there’s nothing else to eat I guess I’ll toast it.  I think that’s a labored metaphor, but you get my point. It was neither here nor there. But when the Ex Mr. Universe, retired action movie star and former Governer of California decided to cheat on a modelesque Kennedy (who he was married to) with a frumpy housekeeper and impregnate her, something amazing happened. He was blasted out of oblivion and back into the public eye like he was a human cannonball. See I can do metaphors if I want. So if you are going to choose to use your celebrity to gain political power, you are going to have to sprinkle in a bit of scandal to keep the publics’ mouth watering. Go forth and grope, cheat and embezzle and you’ll be rewarded.

Militia

As a last resort you can also enact a coup d’état Oh, right you don’t have even the slightest semblance of political knowledge, allow me to de-French and dumb it down for you. Basically, a coup d’état is a hostile overtaking of the government or controlling governing body. You want it even dumber? It’s playground rule politics with guns; you take the position you want while pointing guns at the people that were voted into those positions.

You’ll need to recruit a few passionate members (see overzealous undereducated yahoos with guns). I don’t condone violence, of course, but that doesn’t mean you can’t condone it. Now how will you recruit your small and (mentally) unstable army? Easy just start with a bit of nationalist rhetoric, add in some rants about immigration policy, express some anti-tax sentiment and take a pro-gun stance. Throw in some free beer and Fritos and you might actually score yourself self some bodyguards too.

See Also: Hollywood’s Latest Genre: Old Dude Action Movies

Do you want to become a Celebrity Politician? Let us know in the comment section below.

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