JOB SEARCH / JAN. 27, 2015
version 4, draft 4

Why You Shouldn't Use Harry Potter as an Employment Guide

If you have been in a coma or been living under a rock for the past several years, you might have missed the Pottermania that swept the world. No, Pottermania has nothing to do with pot or potting; it revolves around a fictional adolescent wizard that whips out his wand at a moment’s notice. Stop laughing, I’m serious; this is the world you live in now, Mr. Coma. Go out and read the books, because this is why you shouldn’t use Harry Potter as an employment guide.

Insubordination

If you haven’t read the books, let me give you a bit of background. Harry is an orphan that is adopted by his aunt and uncle who house him in a broom closet under the stairs. At some point, a huge hairy behemoth flies out the sky on a motorcycle and tells Harry he has been accepted into a wizarding school. He goes off and then proceeds to disobey every single authority figure from the janitor to the headmaster, putting not only himself but almost every one of his friends in mortal danger. Maybe this can be a lesson in taking initiative. No not when multi-meter-long man-eating snakes are involved.

Take advantage of everyone, do none of the work, take all the credit

Look, you might be a fan of the franchise – hell I am, too (I’m just a bit cynical) – but let’s be honest: throughout 7 books, Harry Potter did little to remedy any crisis. In one of the books, Harry is inadvertently entered into what can be described as a very deadly mortality-inducing version of the Olympics. But for wizards! The only way Harry makes it through is all his little clique and some wizard professors band together and basically tell him exactly what to do at every task. Actually, at some point I think he even cheats, I won’t say he definitely cheats to avoid being assassinated by a fan boy. The only task he isn’t directed in is the one that gets one of his classmates killed. And he still gets the winning title of the Triwizard tournament (the deadly killy Olympics for Wizards).

Codependant personality

“But Harry’s an orphan and doesn’t need anyone,” you say as you push back your glasses with one finger. Au contraire mon frère, when Harry finds out that he has one living relative, his godfather Sirius Black, he actually, to a certain extent, exposes him and forces him to become a fugitive.

God/Messiah Complex

Harry Potter wanted to save the world. Having someone like this in your employ can be detrimental to day-to-day functions. They will always try to overachieve until they get bogged down and are not able to meet their obligations. Until someone comes and bails them out, only for the Messiah figure to take all the credit. Uh, they’re the worse.

He Cheats

In all good consciousness, he takes a potions book (basically chemistry for us non-wizards) that is filled with solutions and answers. He uses the book to not only cheat during his classes, but actually uses a spell in the book to seriously mangle one of his schoolmates.

So, definitely, if you see an employee reading a book, go crouch in front of them and with one raised eyebrow say: “I hope you aren’t learning any lessons from that book” and slowly back away, never breaking eye contact. Is there anything I might have missed or left out? Why would it be horrible to go to the same school or work with Harry Potter? Let us know in the comment section below.

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