WEB & TECH / JUN. 15, 2015
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Dad Jokes to Get You Through Monday

Dad Jokes to Get You Through Monday
Daddy Day Care

Some things are so bad they’re good – like corny 80s action flick one-liners like “You know how I said I’ll kill you last? I lied,” and 50,000-calorie Cinnabons. Dad jokes work in the exact same fashion: they are so corny that you can’t help but chuckle. If there’s a day of the week that anyone could use a hardy chuckle, it’s Monday, so here are some of the best of the worst dad jokes to get you through the day!

See Also: 5 Reasons Why You Are Still Single

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The barman refuses, saying: “I’m sorry, we don’t serve food here.”

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Son: “Dad, make me a sandwich.”

Father with an extravagant magician-like flurry of his hands: “Poof! You’re a sandwich!”

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Passing a cemetery, a father says to his daughter: “You know why I can’t be buried there?” The daughter looks up from her phone momentarily and, concerned, she innocently asks “Why?” to which the father responds: “Because I’m not dead yet.”

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A man walks into a bookstore and asks to be pointed in the direction of the Self-Help section. The bookstore assistant turns towards him and replies, “Well wouldn’t that diminish the point?”

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Two drums and cymbal fall down a cliff. Da dum tsk.

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What’s a pale Muscovite’s favorite drink? A White Russian.

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What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, their flag is a big plus.

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A man starts deleting all his German contacts from his phone. His friend asks him why he’s doing that. He answers: “So my phone’s Hans-free.”

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A man walks in to a doctor’s office in pain. The doctor asks him what’s the matter and the man says: “I’ve broken my arm in several places.” The doctor replies “I think you should start avoiding those places then.”

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How do you make holy water? You boil the Hell out of it.

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What happens when a clown farts? It smells funny.

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Does this uniform make me look fat? – Insecurity Guard

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I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high… she seemed surprised.

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What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.

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What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye, matey.

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Where can I buy a lot of chicken bouillon? The stock market.

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What time is it? I don’t know, it keeps changing.

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Two goldfish are in a tank. One turns toward the other, and says: “Do you how to drive this thing?”

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A man told me yesterday that he hasn’t had any bowel movement in two years, but I honestly think he’s full of sh*t.

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I have a red spot on my arm but before I go to the dermatologist, I’m going to put some calamine on it. I don’t want to make any rash decisions.

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McGough: I’m afraid I’ve caught poetry.

Mr. Bones: Oh, really? Well, don’t worry, sir. I used to suffer from short stories.

McGough: Really? When?

Mr. Bones: Once upon a time.

(Courtesy of Monty Python)

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I asked a supermarket clerk for a date. She told me they were next to the bananas in the fruit section.

See Also: Break Me Off a Piece of That Sexy Dad Bod

All good/bad things must come to the end, so you can heave a sigh of relief. I’m done torturing you. If you have your own dad joke, feel free to leave it in the comments section below!

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