CVS / JAN. 02, 2016
version 7, draft 7

The Worst Resumes of All Time

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Resumes are an absolute necessity when looking for a job; they list your education, qualifications and credentials that will make you the perfect candidate for any specific job. I know, that explanation is eye-wateringly boring, but there’s only so much a writer can do to open an article about Resumes. I guess I could’ve said that resumes are the multi-pass of the professional world, which granted is a cool The Fifth Element reference but very few of our readers would actually get it. So anyway, these are some of the worst resume horror stories.

See Also: 4 Strangest Employee Benefits

1. Choices

I understand that when you roll up your sleeves and prepare your resume, you feel like it might be a good idea to be creative; it’ll give you a bit of an edge on the competition, help distinguish yourself from the masses and make a lasting impression on the hiring manager. In reality, though, you might want to take that feeling and bury it deep inside, between the crush on your Grandma’s friend Mabel and that unresolved trauma as a result of the dog attempting to hump you while you were trying to get that G.I. Joe from under the couch. Firstly, using anything but printed paper that was prepared on a computer is a horrible idea. Sure, you might like the old school appeal of a type-writer or the even older than old school appeal of crayon, but both those writing implements do not have a spell checker in place which is bad. What’s worse though is the fact that they are A FREAKING TYPEWRITER AND A CRAYON! Although I didn’t find a real example of a crayon resume, I did actually find an idiotic website that recommends it along with a completely blank resume “because we could die tomorrow”.

2. Keep it On

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And when I say on, I mean your clothes, even though you are sure that they would prefer to hire a “drop dead gorgeous hawtie” instead of a “repulsive Uggie”. Sometimes, you don’t even have the intention to expose yourself to potential employers but it just happens as a mistake, like in the case of a Dallas, Texas man that was caught with his pants down because he mistakenly attached a picture of his “little assistant” with his resume. Although in some cultures displaying your genitalia might be a symbol of dominance and strength…wait, I don’t think that’s actually a thing in any culture, just put it away; nobody wants to see it, especially when you’re applying for a job. Unless you’d prefer to talk with a police officer instead of a hiring manager.  

3. Keep it Lean

No, I am not body shaming; I’m talking about the information on your resume. Keep it simple, to the point and without extra information about your religion, preference in breakfast food or tastes in sexual partners. You don’t want to end up sending in a tome of 37 pages like this guy did. Although the quip doesn’t explicitly say it, I’m going to assume that the 37 pager didn’t get the job.

See Also: 8 Most Hated Jobs in 2015

Do you know of any other bad resumes? Let us know in the comment section below.

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