JOB SEARCH / DEC. 15, 2014
version 6, draft 6

You Do What For a Living?!!

We all change a ton of jobs through-out our professional career. Some people prefer the fresh air to an office, some prefer an office job to manual labor. There exists a third type of job though. Jobs that are horrifically dangerous, disgusting or just plain weird.  If you make your living doing one of these jobs mentioned below, you can definitely expect that people will say: “You do whaaaaat?” when you tell them your profession.

1. Gross Stunt Tester

This rose by another name would still be obvious (and gross). Gross Stunt Consultant for example still implies the exact same thing. During certain game shows the contestants are forced to eat certain questionable items. Worms, animal internal organs and reproductive organs have all been on the menu for game show participants. Yes astute reader, I understand the first question that arises is: “How do they know they won’t get sick?” and the lawyer in the group would say: “If they did get sick how do they avoid getting sued?” To the lawyer I would like to say could you stop suing people it’s so early 2000s and to the astute reader I would like to say the networks have it covered. There is a job description out there in this crazy world that’s called: Gross stunt tester. These people eat, drink and snort (maybe?) items that are intended for contestants’ consumption. If they get sick the stunt is a no go, if they can stomach it (oh my God the puns!) it will be on the show. One of the few jobs were a sick day is actually necessary.

2. Cat/Dog food taster

I have on occasion walked down the supermarket isle, read a can of dog food and thought to myself “Hmm that actually sounds pretty good.” Lamb and rice, prime cuts with beef, bacon and cheese and my personal favorite: London Grill and Wholesome veggie accents. Yes those are all dog food flavors. Of course, the moment you open the can the smell violently dissolves any illusion you might have regarding how good it tastes, because if it smells like dog food it’ll taste like dog food. Hopefully you don’t know many people that can confirm this but if you feel unfulfilled because of the lack of knowledge you can ask a pet food taste tester. These people eat cat/dog food and report on the results of texture, taste and juiciness. 

3. Water Park Side tester

This job not only comes with wet, wild fun but also with a certain amount of status. As you stand in your Hawaiian swimsuit, on a platform hundreds of feet in the air you can point and mock the people going to their comparably less radical jobs. You travel the world riding water slides, reporting and sharing your impressions on social media sites. The only professional hazard is awesomeness. Oh, and sunburns.

4. Professional Sleeper

So I hear you prefer to be on your back than in an upright position. What if I told you, you can make money in your preferred position. Scientists are in constant need of sleep experiment subjects and will pay you to sleep as they watch you like an obsessive girlfriend. Not many jobs out there where the dress code is sleepwear.

5. Fake review writer

Are you shifty by nature? Do you have a handlebar mustache that you can twirl as you cackle about your misdeeds? Then you can use your slightly sociopathic tendencies to lie for a living! As a professional fake review writer you will compose positive reviews of businesses that pay you and negative reviews of their competitors’ to websites such as yelp, citysearch and urbanspoon. 

Do you have a job that is strange, gross or so good it’s unbelievable? Then let us know in the comment section below. Unless you’re a fake commenter then just move along, you deviant. 

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