Career Testing
Career Testing
Career Testing
JOB SEARCH / MAY. 29, 2015
version 5, draft 5

What it Takes to Work in a Strip Club

The world economy is based on the buying and selling of commodities. Some of those are relatively innocuous such as grain, milk and metals. Some are a little bit more loaded, politically and socially, like crude oil and minerals of the radioactive type. Some commodities are boobs. And if you work at a strip club, that commodity is one that is highly tradable. But just like any other commodity market, the competition can be stiff (ha! I said ‘stiff’ in an article about strip clubs), the working conditions grueling, and only the bounciest… I mean, most competent, can survive. Here’s what it takes to work in a strip club.

See Also: Sex Sells: How to be a Millionaire Cam Girl

It’s all bare butts and glitter

But, actually, it’s not. There’s a weird phenomenon that takes place when you combine a few elements. Take the average Joe (or Jane), and put them in an environment with human nudity and alcohol. Now lower the lights, add scantily-clad waitresses or waiters, stand back, and take notes. You will observe the entire gamut of human emotion and perversion. Everyone knows that fun juice lowers inhibitions, but the combination of bare bottoms, breasts and alcohol decimates any semblance of social decency. If you consider the fact that both performers and patrons are usually three and a half sheets and a pillowcase to the wind, you can expect some crazy sh*t to transpire. “Alright!” you gleefully exclaim while rubbing your hands together like a deviant. The thing is that the aforementioned crazy sh*t is extremely dark and pretty soul-destroying. Many of the people that perform do so out of economic desperation; they are either trying to support a family on their own, trying to pay their way through school, or are addicted to some substance or another. Sure, there are some people that do the work and save money, eventually getting out of the business. On the other hand…

It’s psychologically taxing

I’m sure you’ve heard the saying “easy come, easy go”, right? Well, it comes easy stripping, if you consider it easy rubbing your crotch on someone else’s, and being unwillingly groped and fondled. So, let’s drop the “easy come” part but just keep the “easy go”. Humans have this innate, ingrained need to fit into a larger social group. It keeps us mentally and psychologically healthy; it fulfills some of our need for intimacy and approval. When you’re a stripper, though, you’re pretty much marginalized from “civilized” society, relegated to the group that includes people that live in their parents’ basement, sex shop employees, and mimes. And that, my friend, is a harsh loveless group to find yourself in. Sooooo, you have plenty of cash money and a gnawing hole in your psyche that peers, friends and family should occupy, and what do you do? Drugs, alcohol, and frivolously excessive consumerism. It takes a lot of courage, perseverance and tenaciousness to get on a stage night after night and strip down for strangers. That chronic emotional fatigue usually makes people that strip find ways to feel better, and most of those ways aren’t the healthiest.

Warriors in G-strings

No, this is not Rob Zombie’s latest gore-filled horror movie; these individuals that see the darkest recesses of human sexuality must take it in stride and continue their work no matter how impossible it would be for any other mere mortal. You will be exposed to the darkest, seediest and most anomalous side of humanity, and you won’t even be able to react, because it’s really just part of the job. You will be expected to soldier on.

There are other jobs, too

You don’t have to take off your clothes to make a living in a gentlemen’s club; you won’t even remotely be making as much but you will still be able to make a living. Oh, look at you all doe-eyed and innocent; you think that not being on stage will keep you immune from all the things I mentioned before? Oh, honey… you will be still in a space that sells the promise of sex. Do you think that you’ll make any tips if you don’t flirt a little? Show a little skin? Well, unfortunately, you’d be sorely mistaken if you did. Not only that but you can expect to be prepositioned, groped and fondled, along with the hottest performers in the club, because you’re just hired help, not a hot bod being protected by five bouncers, right?

Occupational hazards

Beyond the obvious dangers of breaking an ankle while precariously balanced atop 12-inch patented leather heels, or detaching a pectoral muscle while performing your famous “Dueling pecs and biceps” routine, there’s a bit more to worry about. As I mentioned in an earlier entry, there a lot of instances of substance abuse, not that that is an occupational hazard, but let’s say working on a construction site doesn’t mean you’ll be buried under concrete but it greatly increases you chances of you ending up in a cement sleeping bag. Drugs, alcohol and bad choices made because of them are all around you; a momentary slip of judgment and – BOOM! – you’re on skid row. OK, maybe I exaggerate for comedic effect. Beyond that, you’re going to have to deal with throngs of drunk and horny patrons. If you have any doubt as to how dangerous that is, I present you with Exhibit A: Ancient Romans and their shenanigans. Furthermore, you might get the occasional love-smitten stalker, star-crossed violent sex offender and romantically random octopus (someone that’s way too handsy).

See Also: How to Control Sexual Urges at Work

So, overall, taking off your clothes or working in an establishment which other employees strip to their skivvies might not be the best career option. On the other hand, if it’s something you think you can handle then more power to you. Strippers have said that they never have felt more attractive, more liked and sexier than when they were under the admiration of drunken, horny strip club patrons. The choice is ultimately yours; who am I to stop you? If you have anything else to add or if you actually were a stripper at some point, we would love to hear from you. Let us know in the comment section below.

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