A narcissistic boss is a manager who might have an inflated ego, a sense of entitlement, a desire to prioritize their needs before others, and a tendency to dominate, exploit or manipulate other people.
These difficult bosses often exhibit telltale signs such as micromanaging others, having unreasonable expectations, being critical of others, favoring certain people and being resistant to feedback. Dealing with a narcissistic boss can, therefore, be challenging, as they often have big personalities — but it can be done.
This article gives you fifteen 15 on how to deal with a narcissist boss.
1. Set clear boundaries
It’s essential to control a narcissistic boss. You can do this effectively by setting strict boundaries and remaining committed to these, giving feedback or reminders when they’re broken.
Communicate with your boss, advising them of reasonable limits to their behavior, beyond which you won’t tolerate. For example, if they insist on calling or emailing you late in the evening, inform them that these matters will be dealt with at the start of the next working day.
Follow up on these boundaries in writing to reinforce the message.
2. Understand the source
Narcissistic bosses have an inflated opinion of themselves, a preoccupation with their own needs, and a lack of empathy.
Do what you can to empathize with this and understand why they act the way they do. There might be reasons for it, such as their own boss being the same way, remnants of the culture they grew up in or a leadership style that has been ingrained over time.
Understanding the source of your boss’s narcissism will enable you to plan responses based on predicting the situations that cause this behavior to come to the fore.
3. Don’t engage
Don’t feed your boss’s narcissism, as this will only serve to inflate it even more and make it more challenging to push back when the time comes. In many ways, this behavior can be similar to handling a bully at work; if you ignore their actions, there’s a chance they will stop doing it.
Remember that, despite their narcissism, your boss is still your boss. This means that you need to remain courteous with them, recognize their presence and respond to reasonable requests. Disengaging to the point that it causes performance problems will never work.
4. Protect yourself
Protecting yourself from a narcissistic boss means that you don’t let their behavior impact your own work or create challenges for you personally. The best way to protect yourself is by letting your work do the talking.
Rather than rising to the bait of a narcissistic boss or letting their behavior disrupt what you do, focus on the task at hand and do your best work. If things get too much, then step away for breaks and undertake mindfulness interventions to de-stress and unwind.
5. Give them praise
Flattery can get you everywhere; sometimes, it can be helpful to massage the ego of a narcissistic boss. Though this might seem like you’re accommodating their behavior, giving a narcissistic boss praise can help keep them on your side and, in many cases, can prevent their narcissism from running away with itself.
Recognizing the good work or value of a narcissistic boss will ensure that you can maintain a positive and productive working relationship with them.
6. Manage expectations
Narcissistic bosses expect the world from their employees, and they can become frustrated and even cruel when these standards are not delivered. Such bosses can insist on unachievable deadlines or unrealistic quality of work.
Manage your boss’s expectations by informing them at an early stage of the project or work being set what can or cannot be done. Explain the reasons for this, and provide alternatives or positively iterate what can be achieved instead. Follow up in writing where applicable to avoid misunderstandings or the boss putting words in your mouth. Ensure you always deliver on what you promise.
7. Document everything
When dealing with any difficult employee, including a narcissistic boss, it’s vital to expect the worst and assume their behavior might escalate or be reported. Therefore, it’s absolutely essential to document every instance of narcissistic behavior that you witness. This way, you can prepare a clear timeline if you report your boss to anyone at a later date.
Document the behavior that occurs and save written communications like emails, as well as the date, time, severity (out of 10, for example) and how it made you feel. You might also wish to use this information to give direct feedback to your boss if the opportunity presents itself.
8. Get support
Tap into your support network to help you cope with a narcissistic boss. This will include friends, family, coworkers, subordinates, other managers, and professional counseling services.
These individuals are not only likely to provide emotional support but also material assistance in navigating your relationship with your boss. They might offer advice, tips and guidance on how to confront or respond to their behavior.
Be confident in sharing your experiences and feelings, as sometimes simply venting your frustrations is a great place to start when seeking support from others.
9. Contact HR
Another great support resource you have is the HR department. HR professionals have likely encountered every type of boss imaginable, including narcissistic ones. They can offer informal support, such as coping strategies to deal with the boss. More critically, they can help you take a complaint further if that’s what you decide.
Narcissistic behavior can cross the line into harassment or abuse, and your HR team can assist with this or refer you to handbooks and policies to consider your options.
10. Don’t be their friend
One of the worst things you can inadvertently do with a narcissistic boss is let them believe they are your friend. This can happen subtly, such as excessively praising them, pandering to their every whim or simply agreeing with everything they say.
If your narcissistic boss thinks you’re their friend, they may take greater liberties with your time and talents and exploit you professionally. The further this escalates, the harder it is to regain equity in the relationship, so evaluate your working relationship with your boss and maintain an appropriate distance.
11. Never criticize them
Criticizing a narcissistic boss can provoke negative behaviors, like unreasonable conflict, defensiveness, ostracization or retaliation. When facing a discussion with a narcissistic boss that could be perceived as critical, focus on the behaviors and how they make you feel rather than attacking the person.
Avoid directly calling out their behaviors. Instead, use “I” statements and facts to explain what can and cannot be done. For example, instead of saying “You’re being unreasonable with my time”, say “I cannot take on this project, as I have other more urgent deadlines to focus on right now”.
12. Fact-check everything
Narcissistic bosses might distort facts to fit their narrative or shift blame onto others. You can counteract this by keeping a written record of the facts surrounding tasks, projects and instructions, maintaining records of your work, and repeating back instructions.
Seek written approvals, and politely state that you won’t start a project until a written instruction has been issued. Lastly, take care of yourself by staying organized and on top of your work, essentially never giving your narcissistic boss an opportunity to criticize you for something you allegedly haven’t done.
13. Don’t complain to others
Complaining to others about your narcissistic boss can be risky for a few reasons.
Firstly, if these colleagues are closer to the boss than you realize, it may come back to affect you. Secondly, there are protected and procedural channels to raise concerns, such as HR. Finally, complaining to others can be seen as gossiping and disrespectful to your boss, no matter how narcissistic they are.
Focus on doing a great job and working smoothly with your colleagues, and escalate inappropriate behavior directly to HR.
14. Stay focused on your goals
Set effective goals based on what your boss is asking you to do, and concentrate on achieving them. This will give you a strong sense of accomplishment, which can be a powerful counterforce against narcissistic bosses who tend to self-appreciate, seek credit and distort reality.
By managing your own goals, you demonstrate that you can rise above your boss’s behavior, contribute effectively to the company and show upper management that you’re a key contributor despite negative influences. It also helps you remain motivated and driven in your work environment.
15. Look up alternate jobs
As the situation with your narcissistic boss evolves, continually assess whether it’s manageable. If your boss’s behavior is escalating to the point where it affects your mental health, work quality or overall job satisfaction, it may be time to consider seeking employment elsewhere.
Spend time updating your résumé and networking to explore alternative job opportunities. However, remember to focus on actions you can take; if you enjoy your work and only your boss is the issue, try addressing their behavior before deciding to resign.
Final thoughts
Knowing what to do in terms of working and dealing with a narcissistic boss can be challenging, requiring a balance between enduring their behavior, knowing when it’s too much and taking steps to manage the situation.
Throughout your dealings with a challenging boss who’s a narcissist, prioritize coping strategies and your wellbeing at work to build resilience against their behavior. Finally, don’t suffer in silence. Document and report inappropriate behavior promptly, as addressing it early may resolve the situation before drastic measures are necessary.
Are you currently dealing with a narcissistic boss? Do you have any other tips you’d like to share? Let us know in the comments section below!
This article is a complete update of an earlier version originally published on July 22, 2020.
