Since the rise in popularity of cooking shows, it seems like everyone has become a foodie or an amateur chef. You’re sitting in front of your T.V. eating your omelette du fromage with crème fraîche (which is a cheese omelet with sour cream drizzled over it, but everything sounds much more epicurean when expressed in French), and you see your favorite chef cooking up a storm. Suddenly it comes to you, like fire from bananas flambé, the realisation that you too could be a celebrity chef but you don’t know where to begin. Worry not my culinary chum, I will help you on your way to Chef Stardom!
See also: Become an In-flight Chef
Have a Personality or Even Better a Persona
The reason people tune into cooking shows is not only to get hungry, but also to see their favorite celebrity chefs. The reason is that each one has a certain something, Julia Child was like everyone’s fun Aunt (and her voice, try to say this in her voice: this duck a l’ orange is delectable). Gordon Ramsey is a foul-mouthed unapologetic slave-driver. Paula Dean uses buckets full of butter and is a racist. And Emeril Lagasse says, “Bam!”. Nobody is interested in seeing Joe T.V. Dinner cook pork chops in an unfluctuating monotone. They want big hair! Perpetually worn sunglasses! Loud, enthusiastic, nonsensical exclamation! Or you have to be an asshole!
Write a Book
Although chefs should be known for cooking, a strange phenomenon exists in the celebrity chef realm. Gordon Ramsey (ex-soccer player turned asshole chef) has close to 30 books, Jamie Oliver (food reformist and healthy food advocate chef) has around two dozen books and Tom Colicchio (chef host of Master Chef U.S.) has a half dozen. Many are cookbooks, but some are autobiographical, others are non-fictional narratives. So while you wait for your bouillon to finish, start writing down how olive oil makes you feel existentially.
Ok, so this one is probably the hardest of the tasks you’ll have to negotiate it might demand relocation, the more television outlets the better. You won’t get discovered in some backwood, Podunk town, and you definitely won’t get discovered cooking in Joe’s dinner. Oh, that brings me to my next point.
Get a Job at a Prestigious Restaurant
This is kind of necessary, as t.v. Execs, celebrities and the who’s who of television only go to super fancy restaurants that sell wine that is older than college students. If you see an eponymous patron, you will need to do the following: Cuss up a storm, use your catch-phrase and make sure they see you wearing your sunglasses as you cook. If this doesn’t work, over season their food and when they complain counter attack like a raging bull and kick them out of the restaurant. This is the most solid strategy as it will get you the most attention.
Garnish is usually the last thing that goes on a dish, and as such now I am putting it on this dish. You have all the components to create a not-so-wholesome celebrity chef personality! Hopefully, the result of your attempt will be intriguing complex and full of expletives.
Are you a celebrity chef and have a few more pointers to add to my list? Feel free to leave a comment in the section below.