What is this dishonesty at work day? I just wrote an article about getting away with lying at work. Well, as always I do not condone unethical behavior at work and in most cases it will get you fired, so it’s better not to do it. But, if you must steal from work, this is how to get away with it. I have personally never tried these techniques so use them at your own risk. This is what to do if you get caught stealing at work.
See Also: Signs that Your Boss is a Douche
If You’re Going Steal: Know The Law
If you want to do the crime, you should now the time (that you will get if indicted in a court of law). Theft convictions are generally put into two categories, petty theft or grand theft. Both are extremely expensive in the form of restitutions of the stolen property, fines and lawyer fees. Both stay on your permanent record, and the grand theft is a felony which could land you in a state correctional facility (those are the prisons with fewer drunks and more stabby people). So yeah, that $1000 worth of electronics you pinched while working for Best Buy, can inadvertently get you shanked. Even if it’s a first-time offense, if there is one crime that is heavily punished in the States it’s loss of revenue. Beyond that, stealing (especially from a retail store) as an employee is arguably the stupidest type of crime you can commit.
Allow me to elaborate, you’re working in a space that is specifically made to prevent shoplifting with IR tags and sensors (the detectors at the doors that beep at an ear-piercing high frequency), cameras (even in the dressing rooms, yes I was shocked too) some obvious, but most hidden and a crack security team to apprehend anyone trying to shop-lift. See (smart) criminals go to extraordinary lengths to conceal their identity, from forging documents to the classic balaclava. But if you steal from your employer, your victim basically has all your personal information, probably including a photo if you have a security badge. Most “customers” that shoplift get away with it, even if they do it multiple times, because they are completely anonymous. You on the other hand brought donuts (which you also stole) for Larry the Security Guy just five minutes ago.
Talk to Management
Generally before an employer accuses an employee of stealing, he/she will try to amass enough evidence so that it will hold up in court. To do this they will allow you to keep stealing while they record you doing so. Once you start thinking you’ll get away with it, you will be sat down and depending on the company you will be fired and (probably) arrested by real cops, not the mall variety.
If this happens talk to management, tell them the reasons behind your theft if you have any, show your remorse even though you would do it again in a heartbeat (you’re not the sharpest knife in the third drawer are you?) and try to negotiate a deal with them so they don’t press charges. You will undoubtedly have to pay back what you stole, but at least you won’t need a lawyer and go to prison.
Get a Lawyer
Lawyers know the law and are very capable at rationalizing motives and intent, but you already know that from watching The Devil’s Advocate. They also know legal loopholes, which if you are being charged (especially with a felony) could help you avoid imprisonment, higher fines or additional charges. Sure you’ll have to pay the lawyer but that will seem negligible compared to the fines that you will have to pay otherwise. Also, paying an expensive lawyers fees is infinitely less painful than getting skewered in the kidney with a sharpened plastic toothbrush.
Have you ever shoplifted? What else should a social degenerate do when they get caught? Let us know in the comment section below.