How to Stop Sounding Like a Corporate Robot

I know, that you have a hard time deciphering humanese, because the nuances of human interaction have been deleted from your data-bases and have been replaced with the most effective way to glean information from social media trends, Warren Buffet quotes and the latest business buzzwords. The problem with being a highly efficient corporate robot is that most of the world is comprised of squishy, lazy, meandering meat puppets A.K.A. humans and to get the most out of them you need to talk their language.

Here’s how to stop sounding like a corporate robot.


1. Stop Working Out

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Yes, I know this is a strange first step to stop sounding like a corporate robot but it’s a significant one. Not having the intimidating sculpted physique of a Greek god or goddess, will make you immediately more approachable. Also, stop shaving and waxing everything, I know that the drag created by body hair accounts for a 0.0007% loss in productivity every year, but like I said, we’re going for more human here.

2. Language

Stop constructing language for efficiency, people like a little fluff with their conversations. For example, stop delegating tasks by saying “Report. Done 1 p.m.” instead try to ease into it by making small talk about the weather or about something you know the other person enjoys and use words to connect them. Knowing that, how would you approach a labor unit…I mean, a co-worker with a task? “Hello Judy, how are your genetic offspring and the temperate climate, I need this report to be completed and on my work surface by 1 p.m.” okay so you might need some practice getting the nuances of small talk down.  

3. Blink

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imgkid

I know, this is another hard thing to do, especially considering that each blink costs you 300 milliseconds or a total of 2.4 hours of total unproductive darkness a day. The thing is that normal people get seriously freaked out by the laser like intensity of your unblinking gaze, probably because it reminds them on a primordial level of the unblinking predators such as sharks, alligators and caiman that chased their ancestors. Or, I could just be making this up as I go along. Your call.

4. Vocabulary

Words that are considered buzzwords in the corporate world generally don’t come up too often in normal human communication. Thus you’ll should try avoiding terms such as:

  • Organic Growth – honestly this kind of sounds like a medical condition let’s just leave it at that
  • Directionally Accurate – just say “moving in the right direction” for Pete’s sake, I mean, is it really necessary to make it that convoluted.
  • Core Competency – this usually refers to a person’s set of skills, but the core part isn’t even a logical addition to the phrase because competency means being very good at something, you can’t be kind of competent at something because that’s the opposite of being competent. So, essentially this means being very super extra good at something.
  • Corporation Values – This is an easy one to discredit, inanimate organizations don’t have values, the people that work for them do.

5. Have Fun

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I know, you have an aversion towards having fun, and the only thing you are programmed to do is work, eat and sleep and if eating and sleeping get in the way of work, then try not even doing those. Humans though have this thing they bond over called alcohol which is an organic compound that creates inebriation and the loosening of inhibitions. I know, all of that is terrifying to you, but you really have to loosen up if you want to stop being a corporate robot.

Do you know any other ways to stop being a corporate robot let us know in the comment section below.