How to Be a Badass in the Office: The Ultimate Guide

Working in an office doesn’t give you much opportunity to be a badass. In the office everyone spends most of their time working (allegedly), which means no one really pays attention to what you are doing. In other words, your acts of badassery will likely go unnoticed. Fear not, your dream of being an office badass can still be realized. Needless to say, aesthetic rules laws that restrict you from being able to come to work all bruised and patched up, make this mission significantly trickier to complete, but a true badass will always find a way.

See Also: 10 Reasons Why Being Alone Isn’t a Bad Thing

To become badass in your office, you will need patience, and you’ll need to gradually introduce some changes. Subtlety is the best way to tackle this problem, but the reward is worth waiting for. Here’s a little guide that can help. It is divided into four steps, but just bear in mind that they are not easy to complete, after all, being badass is not for everyone.   


1. To Become a Badass You Must Think Like a Badass

Let’s examine one typical badass to demonstrate the type of mindset we are going for: Wolverine. Wolverine does not want to fit in – he is a brooding, self-loathing, antisocial mutant who is almost always frowning. Even when everyone wants Wolverine to stick around, all he does is just leave, running off in a random direction. Since “not randomly taking off on a soul-searching journey during working hours” is one of the conditions of your employment, leaving the workplace every now and then won’t do you much good, but frowning, rarely talking and isolating yourself may set you on the right path.

Also, when people are gathering outside of work, keep your attendance to a bare minimum, and make sure you sit alone at the bar when you do go out. Basically, this first step is aimed at becoming a lone wolf, which is necessary, although it won’t make you a badass on its own. If you only do this, you will be an office weirdo not a badass. Wolverine can afford to behave like this because he’s essentially a supersoldier and most women are sexually attracted to him, so if guys say they do not like his company they come off as insecure.

Therefore, you’ll need to work on your appearance, but I’ll come to this issue a bit later. To sum up, just be grumpy and antisocial, but at the same time always willing to help, and wait for the opportunity to display your redeeming qualities.

2. Wait for Your Opportunity or Just Make It

Taken
Notrecinema

If there is one reason why it is hard to be a badass at work, it’s step number two, or waiting for the right opportunity. All you need to do is become an office hero, but instead of waiting to be praised for your heroic deeds, you follow the previous instructions and walk away. However, what if the opportunity never presents itself? What if all you can do is just some mundane stuff that no one sees as heroic? Well, you’ll get stuck on step number one and ultimately become a weirdo. Luckily there is a way to avoid this by surrounding yourself with a veil of dangerous mystery.

In the first example I used Wolverine for behavioural patterns, but now you must add a bit of Liam Neeson to your personality. Remember the movie Taken? Totally badass, right? Well, you have that too. Just take some newspapers and magazines, and cut out the letters to make a mysterious ransom note and mail it to yourself at the office. Once the letter arrives, open it at your desk and make sure it is clearly visible to anyone who walks by. When someone finally walks by your desk, take a photo of your kid, wife or girlfriend (you need to have a framed photo on your desk too), and stare at it with anger and sadness at the same time. If the note is visible and your co-workers sees you like this, he or she will immediately assume that you are about to go solo against a gang of kidnappers.   

3. Customizing Your Appearance

In case you find suggestions from the previous step a bit too extreme, and if you are tired of waiting for the right opportunity to become a hero, then changing your appearance can help you with this problem. Like I said, being attractive can help you a great deal, so hit the gym until you become the office beefcake. The next thing you need to do is grow a beard. If you can’t grow a beard, then go for a visible scar, and come up with a badass story behind it. Another useful accessory is an eyepatch, however, it is somewhat difficult to pull off without looking like a douchebag. Samuel L. Jackson pulled it off splendidly as Nick Fury, so contact him, maybe he has some tips for you as well.

As far as your clothes are concerned, it is extremely important that you dress casually. Mainly because you want to send a message that you have no time to follow the latest fashion trends. The other reason is distraction – people need to notice your scar and your stout physique. So, if someone compliments your wardrobe selection, you are not doing it right.    

4. Find a Badass Hobby

Being a badass is all about having a double life, and with a right hobby at your side, you’ll be able to create your new personal profile splendidly. Your co-workers need to know that you are not just putting on a tough guy act, you need a badass activity to back it up. Additionally, if you have a hobby and are passionate about it, your co-workers will start to think you are avoiding them because you are too busy. Not to mention that you can earn some extra money if you are good at this new hobby. Right now I can think of two badass professions that you can take up. You can either be a bounty hunter or a private investigator. Sure these can be dangerous, but remember “danger” is your middle name now.  

Another example of a dangerous hobby is underground cage fighting. You can come to work every morning with mysterious new bruises and people will start to make up stories, because they are too afraid to ask you directly. Furthermore, if someone finds out you are an underground cage fighter, the eye patch and the scar will be easy to justify. It is extremely crucial that you never talk with pride about this hobby, always act ashamed for resorting to such measures, otherwise you’ll come off as a psycho. Say that you need money for your sick mother or something, just be perfectly clear that you didn’t choose this life, it chose you.  

See Also: Spies, Real Spies, Real World Intelligence Agents

Trust me when I say that this is the best way to become an office badass. There is absolutely no chance this plan can fail. As long as you do everything as instructed, by next year you should be everyone’s favourite co-worker. Girls will be all over you, men will want to be like you, and you can even have a TV show inspired by your life story.