It’s Monday, and after you begrudgingly drag your sorry butt out of bed, shower, shave (where applicable) and drive to work, you come face to face with your nemesis…the loathsome morning person. There are many reasons morning people suck, but I only have so much time, and also it’s too early so I can’t be bothered. Here are just a few reasons why morning people suck…so hard.
Too Perky, Too Early
So, I thought I’d start this list with the most painfully obvious example to help the less cognitively gifted amongst us. As you meander around the office disheveled, dragging your left hand on the ground, your full coffee mug clenched in the other hand looking like a proto-human, a perky “Goodmorning” sends a chill down your spine. The morning person approaches you with a swift bouncy gait, almost skipping and asks you how your weekend was.
Although your first reaction would be to grunt at them aggressively, social rules mandate that you must engage them in friendly water-cooler style conversation. After uttering a gravelly “gooood”, the Morning Person will go on an endless and rapid soliloquy about how amazing their weekend was, that included theatrical shows, outdoor activities and more family and friends than you see in a year…oh more on that:
They Make You Feel Bad About Yourself
The Morning Person’s effect can be felt even when you aren’t talking to them. They are people that are lustful for life, doing more things before they get to work than you do all day. Which is fine if they kept it to their stupid selves, but they don’t. They will inform anyone that is in the general vicinity and has a heartbeat (although I often question if even that is a requirement) that they been up since 5 a.m., ran 10KM, cycled for two hours and then did yoga for another hour. Oh, “and the kids were a nightmare to get ready for school”.
On top of that, they still have the time to make healthy (and surprisingly delicious) cookies for the entire office and always bring healthy meals to work. You, on the other hand, woke up 15 min after your alarm clock, hit the snooze button like it owed you money and then got out of bed in a panic brushing your teeth, showering and drinking coffee at the same time to maximize your morning caffeinating. Not having time to make anything, you grab some leftover pizza, slap on a wrinkly shirt and drive to work. You know you suck at life, but the Morning Person seems to be an “anti-motivational” poster, reminding you of your suckiness any time you glance at them.
The Morning Person is everywhere, in two contexts. First, they move so rapidly (compared to your slow, lethargic slothful amble) that no matter where you are, or how hard you try to avoid them, they will catch up and make sure to remind you how energizing it is to work out in the morning. I don’t care Tom. And second every office, shop or restaurant has a variation of the Morning Person. No matter what job you choose thinking that you can avoid this scourge, you will always find at least one M.P. (morning person).
Nighttime Security guard? Ha, you thought: “No morning, no Morning Persons” right? Wrong, because morning is relative (see Einstein). If you were asleep before you went into work (and you were you lazy bastard), then your 8 p.m. starting time might as well have been 8 a.m. But Morning Person Mary will be there, unwrinkled, bright eyed and bushy tailed ready to tell you how adorable her kids are. Ugh.
They Make You Look Bad
So the boss walks in and Morning Person Matt is swiftly clicking away at his keyboard, kicking ass and taking names (of potential customers of course). You, on the other hand, are sitting at your desk zoned out staring at the blinking cursor on your screen, like it’s some sort of hypnotizing mentalist. The boss sees this and doesn’t care if it’s still 8 a.m. and you haven’t yet had your fifth cup of coffee. Unbeknownst to you he is also not a morning person, making him/her also grumpy as hell.
You get yelled at for not working effectively…but wait for it, eventually the boss will say those stomach-turning words “look at Morning Person Matt, you should be like him, a model employee.”
They Are Always Like That
Although, many people might have you believe perkiness is a positive personal attribute, anybody that is not a morning person will testify it is the most annoying characteristic someone can have. Especially when the only thing you want is to ball yourself up in a corner with a blanket. All you wanted to do is get your cup of coffee and dedicate the next 8 hours of your life to the 9 to 5 oblivion. You don’t want to hear about anyone’s new art lessons, volunteer work: with the homeless, at the animal shelter or the Y.M.C.A.
You want your coffee and a quiet place to go to, to act like you’re working. It’s not you Morning Person Murray; it’s me. No, no it’s actually you, you are more annoying and abrasive than sand-paper underpants saturated in hot-sauce.
They’re Everywhere Pt. 2
Yes, even outside of work you will be greeted with unnecessary enthusiasm at the coffee shop, by the tattooed barista with the admittedly impressive beard. At the supermarket by the octogenarian cashier and at the gas station by the overly friendly attendant. All I want is a cup of coffee/milk/gas. I don’t want to hear about your poetry anthology or your volunteer work and the children’s library/your grandchildren’s multiple talents, including multimedia presentation via a video on your smartphone/or how blessed you are to have a job that pays you minimum wage for 12 hours of work a day.
It seems selfish I know, but it’s not your fault. Once you put enough caffeine to kill an elephant (or at least give it the ability to do back-flips) into your system, you’ll listen with a smile. But it’s still before noon, and you definitely haven’t had enough coffee to deal with other people’s happiness.
See Also: Why It Would Suck If Johnny Depp Was Your Boss
Are you a morning person or a morning grump, let me know in the comment section below.