A very funny job application completed by 75 year-old pensioner, Kenneth Way (aka Grumpy Bastard) is making the rounds on forums and social media at the moment. Avoiding the traditional route, Mr Way decided that his application for ‘whatever’s available’ at B&Q would be bluntly honest. The application is absolutely priceless and bound to make you chuckle. It reminds me of an extreme version of that moment in Austin Powers when Vanessa is filling out a form and asks him “Name?”, “Austin Danger Powers” and then asks “Sex?”, to which Austin replies “Yes please.” Way’s answer to the same question was, ‘Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate).’ The cheeky devil!
The hopeful applicant either sarcastically states the obvious, for example in answering the question ‘May we contact your current employer?’ with ‘If I had one, would I be here?’ or provides answers which would resonate with most of us, but which very few of us would have the guts to write down. His totally realistic dreams and aspirations for instance are, to make £150,000 a year, and spend his retirement on a beach in the Bahamas with a Swedish supermodel! He also provides very witty responses when asked to describe his last job, e.g. ‘Last Position Held: Target for middle management hostility’ and ‘Previous Salary: A lot less than I’m worth.’ It’s not surprising therefore that the reason why he left the job was because it was "crap."
Apparently, Kenneth Way got the job of ‘Greeter’ at a B&Q store in Tunbridge Wells because he was so funny. You’re thinking ‘Good on him, but that can’t be right…’ Well, unfortunately, Grumpy Bastard’s application is indeed a hoax which has been rehashed a couple of times over the last few years. Disappointing as this may be, the application is based on a real form made out by Greg Bulmash, a humour columnist, who decided to make a ‘truthful’ application for a position at McDonalds in the US.
If you missed the whole Kenneth Way saga and fancy a laugh, here’s the full application:
NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)
DESIRED POSITION: Company’s Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying in the first place – would I?
DESIRED SALARY: £150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I’m worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It was a crap job.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 – 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Reader’s Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job – no! On my breaks – yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE?: 7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes. absolutely.
It is certainly a funny read, and who knows, a risky yet comical approach like this could at least get you noticed. I wonder how much you could actually get away with in reality?