So you wear your shirt a size smaller than you should and proudly display waxed man cleavage from your way too low cut shirt. You idolize the cast of both Jersey Shore and Geordie Shore (the British equivalent of Jersey Shore for anyone unfamiliar with Trash T.V.) because you admire their eloquence and intellectual prowess. You also think that Kayne West is a savant. And you’re freshly unemployed. Firstly, I hate to break it to you, but you are what is colloquially known as a douchebag, and being a douche makes finding gainful employment much more difficult.
Before we get into the jobs you could do while preserving your glorious doucheness, you need to know a few things. Because you could never even fathom picking up a book, let me drop a knowledge bomb on ya bro. I thought I’d dumb it down because it looked like you had a mini stroke when I said “fathom”.
Ditch the temper
Sure you go out every single night of the week, do Molly (that’s what the kids today call ecstasy), drink your weight in double vodka red bulls, get your pimp on with the hawtees and when someone disrespects you, you show ‘em what’s what. It’s understandable. You don’t have the cognitive capacity to communicate with highly evolved creatures, the only way to convey your frustration is through your fists. It’s what Neanderthals did thousands of years ago and bearing in mind you’re not that much higher up on the evolutionary scale than them, it’s the tried and true strategy you use today. Unfortunately for you when we look at your credentials you have a lot disrespecting to deal with in the immediate future and you won’t have the luxury of using your fists, because the disrespect is going to come directly from your boss. OH! That’s how you got fired from your last job?
There’s science behind being insufferable
Douchebags come in many different shapes and colors (but the bigger the better yo!), but there are actual psychological disorders that can be associated with your insufferable character flaws and cognitive deficiencies. Actually the cognitive deficiencies are on you man, picking up a book instead of a dumbbell once in a while, it won’t kill you, contrary to what your friends say (“Vinnie from down the block picked up a book once and then fo’ days later he died like in that movie “Da Ring” yo.”) First off, “the” has a “th” sound in it and not even the slightest semblance of a “D”. Secondly, you might need new friends. Back to our topic though, if you spend hours and hours at the gym you might have the inverse affliction to anorexia called Muscle Dysmorphia or “Bigorexia”. If you’re insufferable type that always need an audience, constantly brag about your accomplishments and have an over inflated self-worth, then you probably suffer from a disorder called Histrionic Personality Disorder or HPD, because researchers loooove their abbreviations. HPD personalities need to boost their self-esteem with constant approval of others, yet have no concept of self-worth. If you are of the roid-raging type of douche, then you most probably have Intermittent Explosive Disorder or IED (can you see the irony of that abbreviation or is it just me?) which is basically unwarranted overreactions of rage, a human time bomb that smells like Cool Water. Also if you’re doing steroids it just might be from that.
1. Anything Finance
Look, it might not be a correlation/causation relationship here - you don’t have to be a douche to work in the finance industry, it’s just that after years and years of Hollywood proliferating the stereotype that Wall Street guys and banking dudes are irreversible, dreadful and incorrigible douches, those types of jobs attract that type of person. Also, the benefits of those types of jobs, the money, the cars, the yachts and summer homes are the perfect fit for douches with HDP. Showing off, talking constantly about money and how you spend it is completely appropriate and actually encouraged in those types of jobs.
Another Hollywood instigated douche-magnet profession, lawyers are known for their love of messing with the judicial system, defending people that committed condemnable crimes and their money-lust. Despised even by their own kind, lawyers have been the preferred jobs for douches since The Firm. Back in the early 90s/late 80s they were actually conceptually bulked together with the banking/finance guys, they wore slicked back hair, excessively expensive tailored (mandatorily Italian) suits, drank machismo-enhancing scotch and always drove foreign cars. The bigger the Benz the smaller the….OK, do I even need to spell this out?
Sure the medical field is one of the most altruistic professions someone can think of. At least that’s how a well-adjusted, mentally healthy individual would perceive being a doctor. You my douch-stastic reader hear the word doctor and immediately think: money. Also what better way can you think of to satisfy your God-complex, than having to make life and death decisions at work on a daily basis?
4. Da Baws
So you ceaselessly use: “Like a Baws” anyway so what better profession for you than actually being “Tha Baws”. Really the type of company that you will be in charge of and the type of field is completely irrelevant. It includes such douche-ariffic benefits as having an army of peons below you to order around to your little heart’s content, the ability to justifiably lose your shit at a drop of a hat and the opportunity to use “Like a Baws” like all the time. Also bosses tend to make more money than anyone else in the company, so you’re skewed and unjustifiably inflated self-worth will now be padded by having the most superfluously expensive car in the parking lot (which you park every day in the first parking spot in the lot, so every single miserable soul that works below you can see, like a baws). If you want to up the douche-ante take the fast track to the top by being the company’s owner’s son, daughter, niece or nephew. Because nothing says “douche” louder than an incompetent boob that has attained their position through unapologetic nepotism!
5. Boy-Toy/ Trophy Wife
If the global accumulation of all douches had a simile of a royal court, the Boy-Toy/Trophy Wife would be their King/Queen and Supreme Universal Ruler. Nothing says douche more than someone that does absolutely nothing to achieve a better stage in life. Well you do have some obligations of the martial type, when you’re someone’s live-in sex slave, but you’re usually so drunk that you even do that badly.
Do you know of any other jobs that might be perfect for douchebags? Let me know in the comment section below…Like a baws (damn it, that’s really infectious).